A Toy

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“Here’s a mum with her boy
Searching for a toy.”
Subtle words here & there
Testing out my mind?
Or is it that
I’ve lost the plot
And really am insane?

These are the thoughts
I have thought
When I’ve pondered
What’s been done & said.
Perhaps I’ve read
Too much into them,
But, they’ve helped me
Clear my head
In a Euro-Asian way.
For that
Thank you very much.

Anyway:

“Here’s mum with her boy
Searching for a toy”:

I don’t think so
That’s not true
Never had a toy,
The only toy is me.

I wanted something special
That’s what I thought I had
Possibly deep down
That was true
But most times,
I question that.

I wanted a happy family
Didn’t need to
Come here for that,
Until fate dealt
Its charming hat
And I thought
I’ll have some of that.
This country is brutal,
Survivalist &
Really very tough,
However tough it is,
It’s hard being the one
Unpainted in the crowd.

A problem in all of this
Was the dreaded lifestyle tree
Malicious wild & free
Which grows expert branches
From roots of contempt,
Disrespect, greed
and complacency.

I hoped I’d found
Something true
Initially I had
But, even then
Lifestyles of
Petty Politics & party
Were too strong for that.

I worked hard
Took the shit
Lived on street food too.
I painted, carried things & so on
And lived in
Rat infested stew.

Once upon a time
A rat landed on my head
Enough, get rid of this
+++++(NOWWW)
It’s eating all the stock
And now it’s eating me.
+++++(The rat lived on
++++++For a while
++++++Enjoying all the stock)

How time’s moved on
But, things are just the same.
A mindset so ingrained
That when it’s said
“I wish you were
Here all the time”
That’s untrue,
A simple lie
Just a blink
Inside the head.

You see I have finally decided
What I must do
Long ago I walked the plank
Tried to reach the shore
Now I have ended
The so called Relationship
+++– Or I’ll drown
+++++In insanity:
+++++Labelled
+++++Definitely insane.

I know he does not believe me
In a place of superficial lies
But if he knows me well enough
He’ll see it in my eyes,
That’s been there a long long time.
But I’ve always said
“When it scars our boy
I won’t come back to you
I will no longer try
To help us be
What we could have been –
That’s the choice you have made,
Now it’s scarring him.”
What I accept; that’s my choice
But, the other isn’t
The little boy deserves a dad
Who’ll walk the plank of
What a dad should be.
If I turn out to be
Both mum & dad,
Then, so I’ll
Let it be.

I’m doing this for me,
The little boy as well.
The toy has fled the ship
This is not the end,
We will return again
With different intent.

Will I search for a toy
To play with
And then to flee?
No, I’d rather be by myself
Than destroy a boy,
Who by chance of fate
Was born on the Euro-Asian tree
Or, destroy me.

I do not want a toy,
They are plastic, cheap
and naff.
I want a true relationship
Oh, there is that.
Intellectual capacity
Trust, I’m sure of that;
My boy wants it too
It isn’t hard to see.

However, what a risk
Wouldn’t the volcano blow.
But, oh my god
I wish I could
I guess
I’ll never know.

But hey a chance,
This is the place …
Where there
Is no guarantee.

++Whatever the possibility
++There is no going back,
++You can’t breathe underwater
++On an empty Scuba tank

So I shall come and surface
And see what life does deal
Stranger things have happened.

Maybe I’ll be too late,
In this impossible spot,

Maybe he’ll think:
F*** what to do
It’s just not possible.
There are too many factors,
This is not Europe after all,
I’ll wash my hands of this.
++(Really, I think that too).
Sure he’ll find a girl
Who’ll sweep him from his feet.
When this happens
Please be careful
You must be stronger
Than you think.

So I’ll settle, see what life does bring
Watch my boy with an ‘Uncle’
In this tough old place,
– Who is the real thing.
Even so in this place
There is no guarantee.
So, when he gets his family,
Which I hope he does,
What will the future be.

Now, whatever my future brings
Do you test my mind?
I’ll tell you this,
There is no need
I have integrity,
I have a heart,
And I have tried.

There is another thing I’ve seen,
It’s not to do with culture
It’s being a human being:
That’s how to be a dad
And you’re also good at that!

There we are
The open book
Laid out on the page
What to do
Kathmandu
That sounds good to me.

Now, the next game has started
Keep you away from me
Today there was a game
With my boy
On a knee
The bit missed
Was this:

Writing lessons
However tough
They might be,
And of course
Honest integrity.
And,
How long
Will it last?

Then, the anticipated phone call
I’m not back you see;
I was buying porridge
To give the boy his energy.
He thought I was
Somewhere I’d prefer to be.

Now what should I do with this,
This little rhyme of life?
Should I shred it
Or cut it with a knife?
I’ve been with this group
For such a very long time
And every time,
With nearly everyone,
I’ve been twisted with a knife.

Perhaps, I’ll post it on our blog,
If there is a later part,
I’m sure I’ll let you know.
There are several strands
Of where this story could go,

Here we go:
– Is this situation
Here to show someone
How they should be a dad?

– Or is it to check my mind
Maybe that’s half the plan?
(Yes, indeed my mind,
Sure is testing me.)

– Or is it just plain ‘n simple
Straightforward, honest, true
Where his heart spoke
From his soul with integrity?

– For someone else
It is too late,
All my fight has gone,
I will not
Waste my energy
For something that is wrong.

So there may be more to this.
Will this story end up
Up and down that street?
As gossip,
As a laughing stock
Or, a future life of bliss?
Either way this little story
WILL end up in the street –
One which is unique, particular,
And only sometimes sweet.

Two things are for certain though
I can’t breathe underwater
Without a scuba tank.

And

I have ended
The so called relationship,
He’s got no bloody choice,
He’ll have to damn well listen,
He’ll have to understand;
+++– Or I’ll drown
+++++In insanity:
+++++Labelled
+++++Definitely insane.
This will happen
Else, at some place in time
Our little boy
Will also walk the plank.

Here is the addendum:
How do you respond to this?
I won’t say a word,
If there is no reply
I’ll laugh to myself
And think I must be mad!
+++(Yet, I’m sure I’m not)
If I turn out to be
Both mum & dad,
Then, so I’ll
Let it be.

One strand will finish
Others are alive,
There will be another
Part to this
Oh, I’m sure of that.

Kam & Mum 2016©

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